What follows is just some piece of old nonsense I wrote many years back. I came across it the other day and it made me chuckle so I thought I’d share it here.

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The interest a few years ago in reviving K-9 for a new audience was sudden and short-lived. Within a few brief months the stories had come and gone, and it was assumed that the project had never got off the ground.

These assumptions, however, are wrong; some time had in fact been spent developing the new series and it may come as a surprise to learn that it was the intention of the producers to go back and fully revive the series K-9 and Company, even going so far as to return Elisabeth “Stepping Stones” Sladen to the role of Sarah-Jane Smith.

Aside from updating K-9, the format was to remain essentially the same; although the content of the series was to be more gritty and adult, it would still be set in the same rural middle England as the original. It was intended that a feature length pilot episode, essentially the same as A Girl’s Best Friend (“the script was up for grabs!” – Jeremiah Chechnik, producer), would have been followed by a six-part series for the British home market.

Following extensive access to the producer’s archive – two cardboard boxes containing burnt roaches, scribbled notes and some pornography – we can now present the exclusive episode plan to a series that almost was.

Episode 1: A Nasty Habit.

Gradually getting pissed on cheap chardonnay in a bus shelter, Sarah-Jane is surprised to discover a coach-load of old men in suspicious brown robes and tonsured hair-do’s. Her investigations take her to the set of a medieval drama, but when she overhears the ritual chanting “Equity, Equity” she knows it isn’t water and food colouring in the Abbot’s bedpan.

Meanwhile, who is the mysterious stranger determined to turn K-9 into a novelty barbecue? What is the phenomenon having such an adhesive effect on Brendan’s fitness magazines? And why is Aunt Lavinia so obsessed with fish?

Episode 2: Eau de Humanity.

Whilst helping Aunt Lavinia shop for dungarees and comfortable shoes, Sarah-Jane decides to help her writer friend Terrance Dudley by popping into the library for “The Junior Book of Covens and Sects”.

But whom is that raven-haired librarian taking an unhealthy interest in Aunt Lavinia? Who are those hooded men lurking between “Weather” and “Wombles”? And who is that strange man Brendan discovers lurking around the public convenience? Sarah-Jane smells a rat, and it isn’t Brendan’s new perfume!

Episode 3: A Man’s Best Friend.

Running down the road in a pink tracksuit and leg warmers, Brendan is surprised by a group of men who force him to take part in rituals hailing from Ancient Greece. Meanwhile, K-9 looks to be in danger as a tall man with ginger hair and a C5 tries tracking him down.

After two pints of vodka, Sarah-Jane, fresh from taking Aunt Lavinia to her annual Bra-burning, realises this “Sir Clive” is an impostor. How will she break his sinister hold over the home computer market? Why is K-9 rubbing himself against the furniture? And why is Sarah-Jane unable to see straight?

Episode 4: Summer Solstice of Love.

A night spent in the local Student Union catches up with Sarah-Jane who determines to find out just what happened after the bar had closed. Meanwhile Brendan joins an all-male wrestling group and comes under the influence of a charismatic figure known only as “Julian”.

What is the supernatural force that has turned Brendan’s hair so white? Who were those suspicious figures dancing at the union chanting “Advocat, Advocat”? And why did Sarah-Jane wake up wearing nothing but a fur coat and no knickers?

Episode 5: Not on the Begonias!

As Sarah-Jane recovers from her latest breakdown, she discovers it’s summer fair time in the village of Little Chomping. The weather is unseasonably warm and as flowers start to wilt and tempers fray, Sarah-Jane thinks that someone is using witchcraft to increase their chances of cleaning up at the produce competition. Just as she is getting close to the truth, Brendan is kidnapped by ruthless group of cultists who take him to Manchester – for the weekend of the summer fair!

If nothing is going on then why is Lily Gregson so interested in the size of Aunt Lavinia’s courgettes? What is the medication Sarah-Jane’s doctor prescribed really for? And why does Brendan still have that sacrificial stole from the pilot episode?

Episode 6: Murder, She Hoped.

It’s a particularly slack time for witchcraft so Sarah-Jane is splitting her time between perfecting her Angela Lansbury impression and setting fire to her neighbours’ curtains. When Aunt Lavinia calls from her “conference” in Brighton with tales of strange people entering her bedroom and emptying the mini-bar, Brendan encourages her to investigate. A night-time escapade ensues, and Sarah-Jane discovers Brendan wandering the streets in a seriously dishevelled state.

What is the meaning of his mysterious chant “big fish, little fish, cardboard box”? Why does he profess to love everybody? And why is Aunt Lavinia so keen to visit Allied Carpets?